Yesterday was the first day since Rick died that I did not cry.
He will be dead 5 months on Saturday. I have cried every single day. Sometimes it's a monsoon. Sometimes it's a trickle. Sometimes it's a meltdown. And lately, it's been just a moment or two in the morning, before bed, or when something unexpected catches me off guard. But yesterday, I did not cry once.
It finally happened. It took 5 months of pain, but it finally happened. A tear-free day.
Even as I type it out, it sounds both ridiculous and powerful. I never would have imagined that it could possibly take so long to go just one day without tears. 150 days is a long time. That is a huge stretch without a tear-free day.
But here I am. Finally.
I know that there will still be days of tears, even if the tears only last for a minute. I know that I could even cry again tonight and go a while longer without another tear-free day again. But it was a milestone. And it means that more tear-free days are in my future.
Somewhere, soaking up rays of peace, I imagine Rick breathing a little easier. Here's to more tear-free days to come.
Yes, realistically you'll cry again.
ReplyDeleteBut today you proved one thing: that you are able to go forward even without tears. And that, if you did today, you can do it as and when you want.
You can find beauty in the breakdown... and you can find smile beyond tears.