Asking

Tonight I turned out all the lights, I sat in my chair, and I lit a candle. I held the candle in my hands and I closed my eyes. And I asked for all the things I want.

I let the tears flow freely. I talked out loud for at least 30 minutes. I went back in time and I went forward. I remembered the past and I envisioned the future. I asked. And thanked. And asked some more.

My tears slid down my face into the collar of my t-shirt and my mouth kept moving. The darkness around me felt like space, not oppressive. I acknowledged the fears I hold inside. I spoke the secrets. I reached backwards and forwards. I talked to God. And myself. And Rick. And I ventured into unknown territory.

There is territory that no one understands but me. I must walk the path alone... and that is what is so scary. I have never felt such a desperate fear before. It's like walking through the woods alone at night, no flashlight, no compass. It's like diving headfirst into a dark abyss of deep water, no knowledge of what is beneath the surface, no light to show the way.

I swallowed, I took a deep breath, I wiped my tears, and I blew out the candle.