Maybe Soon

Slowly but surely, I am clearing the stuff I removed from the house out of the garage where it's been sitting for months. Soon I'll be able to fit my car in there again, just in time for the winter weather. In some ways, I feel like things are falling into place. In other ways, I feel like I'm full of nervous energy, spinning.

I have let go in ways that used to seem so far away. It feels strange to even type those words: I have let go.

I have been feeling more happiness than sadness lately. It's a new thing for me, because I can't remember a time that's happened since before Rick died. I find myself smiling.

I still cry plenty. But not nearly as much as I did last month. And there have been more tear-free days on my calendar. I feel I might almost be ready to delete Rick's golf from the DVR. Not today. But maybe soon.

I thought about going through his clothes...his shoes... It used to seem a heavy task, so daunting and painful. But now I think I could do it. Not tonight. But maybe soon.

I'm still full of fear, worry, and pain. But I can feel myself changing.