Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Back to Reality

I survived my first day back at work. Barely.

I woke up this morning before my alarm, having gotten very little sleep yet again. I wanted nothing more than to just lie in bed. It took every bit of energy to get up, get dressed, and go downstairs to face another day without Rick.

Rick used to watch me get ready in the morning. He would talk to me while I got dressed, did my hair, and put on makeup. His absence as I went through my morning routine gave me a pit in my stomach.

I made coffee and gave Tumbler his IV fluids. I cried. I gave myself a pep talk. I cried again. Before I left the house, I had an idea. I sifted through the literally HUNDREDS of love notes Rick wrote to me over the years and grabbed the simplest one:

He always called me "A" for short and it was a term of endearment from him to me. I took the note to work with me and put it in my office for encouragement.

My day was punctuated with little instances that stopped my heart, gave me shakes, or brought tears to my eyes. I pushed through and got done what needed to be done, but nothing extra. I left at 5 pm on the dot because I couldn't wait to get out of there. I hate the feeling that the whole world just keeps going as always when my heart feels so heavy inside of me.

When I explained to someone at work that I had not been there all of last week, she said, "Lucky you!" I wanted to scream curse words at her, but I just nodded and smiled.

Just as I left the building to head to my car for the drive home, it began to rain. It was so fitting and I just sat in my car for a minute, trying to choke back tears, preparing to head home to an empty house.

I'm exhausted. I haven't been sleeping enough to power through a day at full capacity. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I really hope it will be better than today. 


  1. You are forever in my thoughts. 1 step, 1 breath...

  2. People can be so ridiculous. Congrats on your first day back at work! It is a huge step.

  3. You did it today!!! That is awesome. :-) Be gentle with yourself, and if you are too exhausted to make it through the entire work day tomorrow, honor how you feel. Sending you so much love. <3

  4. I'm so sorry that today was so hard. I'm sorry that you had to go back to work so soon. I am proud of you for getting through it. I am thinking of you and your kitties and Rick. I hope that you get some sleep tonight, because the insanity of insomnia only makes things 100x worse. You deserve rest, and some peace. I will pray. xo

  5. Hey if you need someone to talk to you can call or text me. 4802461660 brad

  6. You got through the first angel. It doesnt matter how well or how barely - you got through it and that in itself is amazing. This is all very soon and as much as I wish with all my heart this were easier for you you are doing this lovely. I think having one of Rick's notes with you was a good idea. Is there an option to speak with your boss to perhaps do half days for a week while you catch your breath? I dont think its an unreasonable request my love. Im thinking of you and keeping you wrapped up in love, light and hugs. xxx

  7. That's ridiculous that someone would say that to you. People are true idiots sometimes.

    You're wonderful and strong.

    Holding you in my heart.

  8. The first day is usually the hardest. There will be more painful days to endure, but hopefully each one is a little easier than the last. Thinking of you, and sending you love and strength.

  9. You are in my prayers!!!! You have a lot of support and encouragement and you will get through this!!! xx

  10. Good job today. Now...a hot bath, comfort food and movie you hate should put you right to sleep. Sleep well, Arielle.

    Rose in Nebraska


Help me feel less alone.