Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Birthday Reflection Fueled by Love

I know it's been a while since I've posted. It wasn't because nothing was happening. On the contrary, it was because so much was happening. There are so many things I could have many things I could have written...but the fact of the matter is, I have been (at least in part) holding back on the blog out of respect and privacy for the man who has (in a nutshell) lit up my life.

Much to my surprise, I found love again. I turned around and it was there. I didn't even know what was happening until it had already happened.

It felt like: Is this real? Is this right? But wait, is this real? Oh my God, it is.

I love the way he makes me feel. I feel like things are falling into place. When I look into his eyes, I see so many things...and all of them are amazing.

He is thoughtful, fun, nonjudgmental, smart, confident, and passionate about life. He makes me feel good. He is respectful of me and of my situation. I feel excited about life with him. He understands me, because our personalities have so many threads of the same fabric. He loves me for who I am. He's the kind of person you want to be around. He knows what he wants and he makes it happen. And he is unapologetic for who he is, a quality I realized is almost as important as confidence and zest for life.

I have been in love before...but I have never felt this way about anyone before. I don't want to lose it. It's too awesome.

I see so much happiness in my future as it evolves. I'm almost scared to write that down.

There are times it seems almost too good to be true that I could have so much fun with someone, but also be so comfortable too...that I could giggle easily and freely but also feel so understood...that I could continue to be surprised but also feel that I've known him much longer than I have.

When I look at him...whether he is making me dinner in the kitchen, talking to the football game on TV, laughing at something I've said, or kissing me good bye, I'm just so...happy. How can a person do that to another person?

I can't remember the last time I felt the presence of another person. Although it sounds downright cheesy to admit it, there have been nights I've fallen asleep saying to myself, "Thank you, thank you, thank you for this person being sent to my life."

There is risk in every endeavor in this life. We can't predict the outcomes. But for this - I'd risk it all. Every day I wake up happier than the day before, full of gratitude that I took a risk on love...because to not take a risk would be an insult to this astounding and amazing gift that's presented itself.

I sit here, one day after my 31st birthday...nearly one and a half years a widow...thinking: This is the kind of feeling I've been waiting for my entire life. 31 years may not be a long time, but I know that if I searched for 31 more years, I would never find such depth of feeling again with someone else. This gift of passionate yet fulfilling love and companionship was knocking me on the head, smacking me in the face, jumping up and down screaming THIS IS IT! DON'T MESS THIS UP! DON'T IGNORE THIS! THIS IS THE REAL THING!

He will make me better, I will make him better, and incidentally, life will be better for both of us.

He once asked me somewhat incredulously, "Don't you want anything?"

The truth is, I want happiness. I want to be allowed to be happy. And I want to share that happiness with the person who makes my whole being feel alive. I don't want material stuff. Or the best of everything. I don't want the things money can buy. I want time, memories, touch, fun, and emotion. I want to live. And I want love. Real love. And...holy shit...I've found it.