Comfort Measures

I think comfort is very important.

comfort (noun):
a state of ease and freedom from pain or constraint

My Top 10 Comforts:

1) Coffee
2) Tea
3) Lying in the sun
4) Handwritten notes
5) Reading a book in a hot bath
6) Listening to a music album over and over for weeks until I know it inside out
7) Shirley Temple movies
8) Almost any kind of soup
9) Clearly not all year long...but...Christmas music
10) Okay...obviously...it has to be said...........my cats

Reading at Last

Well, it's time to read again. I haven't read a book since before Rick died... so that's nearly 6 months. For me, that's a long time to go without reading.

Last week I purchased some books and yesterday they arrived. Now they're on the bookshelf that's replaced Rick's desk, waiting for me to open them and dive in.

I decided to buy a variety and these are just 3 of the books I purchased. The others are on their way. It's a mix of widow guidance and fiction that won't make me upset. At least that's the hope. I've been meaning to read Eat, Pray, Love for years. According to a select few, now is the opportune time.

For me, reading has always been an escape. It calms me when I need calming, comforts me when I need comforting, and appeals to my sense of adventure.

I remember countless times when I sat next to Rick in the living room, he watching sports and me reading. He would shout at the TV for hours and I would remain with my nose in a book unfazed.

There was a time we ran out of shelf space for my books. Now, I have more space for shelves...more space for books. I guess it's time to read.

Unpredictability

It's been 126 days and I still haven't listened to the radio. I listen to music all the time...Hand-picked, carefully chosen music by those I trust or myself. Just not the radio. With the radio, you don't know what's coming. You don't know what the next song will be. You don't know what it will trigger, how emotional it will be, if it will be the right kind of emotion, if it will bring up a memory...

I haven't read a book in 126 days either. The only ones that feel safe are ones I have already read, because I know what's coming. I let friends tell me what would be ideal for me to read. They give me suggestions based off of what they've finished reading, knowing my circumstances and worries. But I haven't yet felt ready to read something new.

I also don't watch TV shows that could have some element that might hurt me in some way. There are some that are always safe - reality shows or sitcoms, for example. But then there are shows I follow, like cop shows or other dramas, that might deal with emotional situations. You just never know when the storyline will take a turn into territory that will hit too close to home. Death, loss of a spouse, suicide, gunshot to the head, etc. I'm not ready for that. My friends censor my shows for me. I watch the ones like Project Runway or Ellen that are perpetually safe, but friends who watch the same shows as I do give me a heads up before I push play on my DVR. Sometimes they say, "Don't watch this one at all." Sometimes they say, "Halfway through this week's episode, something happens that is hard, but it turns out okay." And then I know. And it feels safer. Other times, they let me know that something regarding a certain topic will occur and I can make the decision for myself. But the key is that I am not blindsided. Not caught off guard.

The same goes for movies. I haven't watched any new movies in 126 days that weren't animated Disney ones. I have watched some old movies, ones I've seen before... but the point of new movies is that you don't know what is going to happen. And that just doesn't feel safe right now.

It's funny how such things can come into play so strongly when the grieving process is running its course. It's the unknown, the fear of being caught unaware, that scares me most. If I knew I was watching a show where someone would die by suicide, I would actually feel more comfortable than if I just started watching it and suddenly the plot line took that turn.

It's the unpredictability that feels unmanageable. I need control over my listening, my reading, my watching... at least right now. I am not sure when that will change. But until it does, I appreciate all the people in my life who have my back, combing carefully through all the entertainment out there in order to protect me.