I lived this summer without him, knowing that it will likely be my hardest. The sun and warmth contradicts the cold emptiness that I feel at times. But still, I am so grateful that I didn't have to live through the winter first.
The fact that Rick died on May 18th meant I could ease into a life without him with the sun shining. I dread the windy fall and cold winter nights when daylight savings will force me to return home in darkness. A dark house is a lonely place.
The summer is welcoming, soothing... It seems to say, "I'll make this as easy on you as I can." There is fun and family and days off. There are outside events. The neighborhood is bursting with life.
It might sound silly, but I'm afraid of summer ending. I have always loved the fall, but this year I'm scared. I worry about the darkness, the end of upbeat happenings and sounds.
And I'm afraid of the holidays. My birthday in October. My 30th to boot. Thanksgiving in November. Then Christmas. Then the New Year.
The closer we get to the end of the summer, the closer we get to the things I fear will make me sadder than ever.
And I know it's normal to be sad. But I feel like I was just getting used to THIS season without Rick. To do it all over again, in a new season, with new months and feelings, seems nearly impossible.
I know it IS possible. I know I will do it, as I have been doing it. I also know that the dread of something is usually much worse than the thing itself. I am trying to remind myself of that.
Summer has not yet reached an end...but I know it's coming. One more month... Just one more. By then I'll be 4 months into this widowhood...and a new season will spread before me.
Every other year of my life I've looked forward to the fall. And this year, I'm afraid.
And so...in the spirit of hope and positivity, I'm going to repeat this quote every day until the fall hits.
Fear will not stop me. I want so many things. And they're all waiting for me in the fall...the winter...the year to come.
Do you have any new traditions you might start this fall/ holiday season with your family and friends? When you're ready, I'd really enjoy reading about the "so many things" that you are wanting for the future. You're strong, and getting more so everyday. I know you won't let the fear stop you from finding small moments of happiness a midst all the uncertainties and sadness. <3
ReplyDeleteYou can keep the memory and warmth of summer in your heart. It's like holding a light for dark days. I think everyone who reads your blog will be sending you their light for any dark days. Lots of love XOX
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