Victory

Finally, a good Saturday.

I made a to-do list last night to prepare myself for today. I had a list of things I wanted to do. I made my own agenda. And as I crossed off each one today, I felt great.

I woke up at 8:30... which is definitely "sleeping in" for me. I fed and medicated the cats. I drank coffee and did laundry. I paid bills and balanced the checkbook...

Then I went to see my mother-in-law. It was a good visit. She was having a good day. There were tears, but I left feeling restored rather than drained. She told me she can still see Rick and she described him to me in detail. She said that if she closes her eyes, she sees him standing there.

I told her about the little bear and the cookie sheet. She smiled and laughed and her eyes filled up. She said it seemed like something Rick would do and that he probably loved me so much, he wanted to still talk to me somehow. She said maybe Rick would still come visit her on a Saturday if she asked him for a message.

"You were always so nice to my Ricky," she said. "I'm sorry I can't do anything for you."

I told her I had everything I needed and I was okay. And for the first time when I told her that, I believed it.

I had planned not to go grocery shopping on a Saturday so that my routine would be altered from the old norm, but I had to buy some things that couldn't wait, so I went today. For the first time since Rick's death, I did not cry at the grocery store. I felt very victorious as I walked back out to my car in the parking lot.

Back at home, I ate lunch and went for a run. I went over some things in my head while I ran and returned home feeling great. I showered and got ready for dinner out with my work friends. It was a dinner of laughter. And the post-dinner drinks (and more food) were full of laughter too. I felt very normal.

I didn't feel like the lonely widow out of place in the crowd. I didn't feel like an impostor of a woman trying to have fun. I didn't feel like I was 1,000 years older than everyone around me due to grief. I felt normal.

It's 11:00 pm and I'm just blogging now, because I was out being normal. I considered not blogging at all, but decided I really wanted to document the victory of a good Saturday. I won!