My mind cannot conceive of a loss like this. It hits so close to home. It is too soon in my grieving process for something like this. I feel like I got catapulted back to May 18th when I read the statement Robin Williams' wife gave:
This morning, I lost my husband and my best friend, while the world lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings. I am utterly heartbroken.
From there on out, my brain has just been a mess of trauma and tragedy and re-living bad memories. I have been texting people all evening. I have called my mom. I am just a crying mess of a person. And I am so ANGRY. I was having a normal day, a normal night, and then BAM - I was slammed with this terrible news that just sent me into a spiral of reliving all my traumatizing feelings from the end of May.
How can people be in so much pain that they take their own lives? It just hurts my heart so much to know that the pain is so real and unbearable for people like Robin Williams... like Rick...
I can't go back on Facebook where every post is about this suicide. It gives me PTSD type triggers. It really does... I can't watch the news. I am sad that suicide is something that is permanent. Real. Painful.
I don't want this pain.
I want to remain the positive, smiling person everyone knows. And I don't want to remain that way just for them. I want to be positive for ME. I want to be okay, feel okay, and not be blindsided by all this tragedy so that I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't want hysterical tears and a heavy heart. I don't want traumatic responses. I don't want to have no control over my life and emotions. I don't want this.
I don't know how to sleep tonight... I feel like someone has stabbed me 50 times and I'm stinging and bleeding in pain, all the while having flashbacks of the day Rick killed himself. What I was wearing. What I was saying. What I was feeling. What everything looked like. What I found. What I saw. Who I heard. I don't want this happening to me. I want peace. And I had some peace, quietly eating my dinner and watching TV... until I heard the news about Robin Williams.
I hate ending on a negative note. But tonight it is all I can do to hold it together. So I will simply say this: Suicide is terrible, tragic, and irreversible. Please remember that suicide itself is not a disease. Depression is. Mood disorders are. Addictions. Eating disorders. Etc. Etc. Suicide cannot be reversed...but there is help for the leading causes. Life is beautiful, important, and meaningful. There will never be another you.
I wish I could hug you right now. I can't fathom how you feel but the pain in your words has me in tears. I am beyond words but I'm sending you so much love and wishing I could give you some relief. I love you, my friend. Enormous hugs.
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ReplyDeleteI was thinking about you as I was reading all the news on Facebook. All you can do is be how you are, and get up tomorrow and be how you are then, too. :: hugs ::
ReplyDeleteThe world has lost another amazing person. I'm sorry that you have to relive this again after hearing the news, especially so soon. Having had PTSD as well in my past, I empathize. I hope you can find some peace and comfort tonight.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs across the ocean. I've had to take a break from fb, news, the media until the news settles. While my loss is not as new, I lost my partner to suicide as well. And, when I least expect it that pain hits me and it's as raw as it was back in 2006.
ReplyDeleteBe gentle to yourself
All the light and love from our house to yours.
ReplyDeleteArielle, you are in my prayers. xx
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm a stranger, but Bryce tweeted you and said to send you some love... I can't not! I'm struck by this: "I want to remain the positive, smiling person everyone knows. And I don't want to remain that way just for them. I want to be positive for ME." You can be a positive person who grieves. Maybe that makes you MORE positive in the long run, because you're allowing yourself to feel the grief instead of forcing yourself to be positive. I can tell you're a strong person, to have come so far since May. It's not a failure to grieve. You will smile again some other day.
ReplyDeleteWhatever love a stranger can give over the Internet, here, have some.
Arielle,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the pain you experienced today. Like so many others that care about you, I am sending healing thoughts and love your way.
Take good care.
Love and hugs, thinking of you! ♡
ReplyDeleteSending live and hugs. So sorry you are having to go through this, especially so early in your grief.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way you do. and its not going to be an easy road .....sending lots of prayers and hugs your way
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your pain. Those emotions that you are feeling are reminding you that you are very much alive. You are a beautiful, optimistic, intelligent and resilient woman- but you're not superwoman. Allow the painful emotions because numbing those numbs all emotions, you are too vivacious to live like that. Love and Light to you.
ReplyDeleteSo much love for you. I had a happy moment today which made me think of you, I hope it's ok to share it with you, it's just a small thing. I saw a little girl while I was shopping dressed as a mermaid and I said to her, " Wow! you look amazing!" and she said, " I know! I'm Ariel!" it made me smile and made me think of you. It was a small sweet happy moment which I hope may bring a small smile to this dark time for you. It's heart breaking to hear how you are hurting so much. Love, light, and best hugs XOX
ReplyDeletehave the wind knocked out of me as well. don't know what to say. :(
ReplyDeleteRhonda from FB