I love hanging out with them and we always have a good time. I laugh and it's real laughter... But at the end of every bout of laughter is a stillness of sadness that lingers. It pokes me. It doesn't allow me to be fully engaged in happiness or excitement...and I hate that.
I can shake my shoulders...try to get that stillness of sadness to fall away...but it's difficult.
Because I want to go home and tell Rick about the great day we had today. Because I want to bring him with me to these weddings instead of going alone. Because I want to be able to contribute to the wedding conversations, but talking about my own wedding makes me sad.
So I'm just going to get it out of the way. I'm going to tell Rick what I would tell him if he was here:
Dear Rick,
The weather was beautiful today. It was perfect. I'm so happy my friend is happy and is celebrating getting married next month. I'm so happy my other two friends are so happy in their lives. It's the best feeling to see them smile about their guys and talk about fun stuff like dresses and honeymoons. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my friends happy.
It makes me miss you, though, Rick. Remember when we danced to Kenny Chesney for our first dance at our wedding? Remember when we ended our reception with a last dance together to our special Bob Dylan song?
Remember when we had the time of our lives in St. Lucia on our honeymoon? The pictures still make me smile when I look at them.
These girls always make me laugh, Rick. It's hard to believe the four of us have been friends for 12 years. It's always so easy with them.
We saw a sign for sale at the first winery that said THIS WINE IS MAKING ME AWESOME. It was really funny and we all liked it. Wish I could show you a picture.
I wish you could come to these weddings with me. Try to keep me company in your own way if you can. I miss you so much.
Love, Arielle
PS. Being a widow at 29 sucks.
I guess being widow at any age sucks.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think there's anything wrong if you feel a little bit sad when your friends talk about their happiness and their boyfriends. In fact, I think it's perfectly normal, and it seems miraculous that you already manage to be genuinely happy for them. You have an inner strength that is something indescribable.
Maybe you’ll always miss Rick ... but I hope you’ll be able to find, in the little things which are in your everyday life, a beautiful smile that can also give you all the happiness you deserve.
I'm so glad you found a way to tell Rick about your day. Its ok that you felt a bit reserved, its completely understandable. You are so strong.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Alicia