Where I Need to Be

Some days, I find myself driving in my car, realizing with clarity that I am supposed to be here. Doing this. Feeling this. Living this. It may seem unfair at times, but there's a purpose in it that moves me. 

I try not to over-analyze it. I breathe deeply of the beautiful sorrow that has become my world. I can find beauty in anything. In everything. That's just part of who I am. 

What good would it do to wallow in pain and agony? I don't want to master grieving. I want to master living.

Still, I do have my hours of loneliness... I do struggle to find relief. I'm human and this blog is proof of that. The truth is, I would miss the bad times if everything was wonderful every moment of every day. I don't want to coast along on the shallow, serene, still waters. I want to ride the waves. I don't even mind taking a belly flop into uncharted or rough waters if it means I can feel the coolness of depth below and the steady drumming of the rhythm of the sea. 

I want it all.

I didn't see myself here. Not living this life. Not feeling this unsettling shift of all that I know. I didn't imagine I could feel this kind of sadness. I didn't foresee such a strange and uprooting transition in my future. I didn't ask for it. I didn't plan for it. I didn't want it. 

But now I wake in the morning, open my eyes, and say, "This is not the life I chose, but here is what I choose to do with it. Today I want to make 5 people smile. Today I want to laugh. If others don't make me laugh, I will do my best to make myself laugh. Today I want to do good. I want to make someone feel special. I want to look people in the eyes so they know my intentions are ever-genuine and my gratitude is always real. Today I want to create the life I desire."

I don't stand in front of my mirror and say this to myself. But I do lie in bed and imagine my day unfolding before I even set two feet on the carpet. I let the reality of my sorrow settle in my chest, permeate my heart, and then beat down to my stomach where the pit stays for a moment before slipping down my legs and out of my feet. I let it go. It's there, waiting. But so is life. And I am determined to be happy. 

The day is always waiting for me. I don't make it wait too long. Every day I live is a day Rick doesn't get to see. I start the day living for both of us, and because I know he wants it this way, I continue the day living for me.