Escape

During the first few weeks after Rick's death, I found myself asking, "Why?" whenever I was alone. The question just always appeared in my mind.  If I was combing my wet hair, my mind would be saying, "Why?" If I was opening the refrigerator, my mind would be saying, "Why?" If I stopped at a stop sign, my mind would be saying, "Why?"

Lately, I just sit alone in my house, stare at nothing, and ask myself: "What do I want?" 

It's a big question to answer, because there are so many things I want. It's much more comforting to list the things I already have. I try to remain grateful and positive. I try to erase the tired feeling from my mind.

Still, one answer sounds off in my head when I confront "What do I want?"

An escape.

Not an escape from reality or an escape from my problems...not even an escape from my grief. Just time away from life as I know it, space to breathe, a reprieve. 

In asking myself "What do I want?" the answer becomes clear: I need a place where I can go to ask myself that very question: "What do I want?" and make some headway.

I need a clear head, a calm heart, a succession of deep breaths, to close my eyes, to feel and be without responsibility. 

I want to be able to have my thoughts control my feelings or my feelings control my thoughts...whatever I decide. 

I want an escape where I can feel safe. Where my spiritual self can connect with my emotional self which can connect with my mental self which can connect with my physical self. I want those things to connect so I can adjust to my new life. 

Not a life of starting over, but a new life nonetheless. 

I cannot envision the specifics. The sea...a field...a lake...a mountain...a starry night...a sunrise...maybe a combination of a few...or maybe none at all...but something...something...that grounds the mind, body, and soul while the pain takes flight and floats away.