2 months is not a long time, and yet in the scheme of day to day grief, it's a significant chunk. I kind of feel like the first small stretch of my journey is over.
I met with the attorney again today. The "business of death" is not yet complete. Loose ends remain. But we are making progress. I have accomplished a lot. Onward march.
I did something strange last night. I was in the shower and I said out loud, kind of angrily: "I miss talking to you. I miss telling you about my day." I started to cry. And one minute turned into two and two turned into three, and I was in there telling myself: Okay, that's enough, get it together, Arielle.
Then, with a jolt, I thought: Well what's stopping me? If I want to tell him about my day, I can. So I just started talking. I told Rick everything about work and my family and running and my cold and how all my friends have been supporting me. I talked to him about each one. I talked to him about his brother and my brother. I told him about going to Connecticut twice and what Sarah's bridesmaids dresses look like. I told him about Jenn coming for the weekend. It was kind of sad and a little bit nutty, but it was really just this big release...because more than anything else, I miss talking to Rick. I know he already knows all the things I told him about, but it felt good to say them all out loud and have a conversation of sorts.
I did something strange last night. I was in the shower and I said out loud, kind of angrily: "I miss talking to you. I miss telling you about my day." I started to cry. And one minute turned into two and two turned into three, and I was in there telling myself: Okay, that's enough, get it together, Arielle.
Then, with a jolt, I thought: Well what's stopping me? If I want to tell him about my day, I can. So I just started talking. I told Rick everything about work and my family and running and my cold and how all my friends have been supporting me. I talked to him about each one. I talked to him about his brother and my brother. I told him about going to Connecticut twice and what Sarah's bridesmaids dresses look like. I told him about Jenn coming for the weekend. It was kind of sad and a little bit nutty, but it was really just this big release...because more than anything else, I miss talking to Rick. I know he already knows all the things I told him about, but it felt good to say them all out loud and have a conversation of sorts.
Instead of being sad or thinking about gory details, one of the things I like to do is picture Rick here, on this cluster of rocks in Maine where I took this photo. I imagine him looking out across the ocean, deep in thought, staring into the distance with a smile, waiting for me.
Not waiting for me to get to him, not waiting for me to find him again.
Waiting for me to live the life for which I am destined.
I imagine all his hopes and dreams for me. I imagine all his pride and compassion. I imagine him thinking: It's so fun to see what you'll do, kid. I imagine him with nothing to worry about, nothing to fear. Just looking out over the sea, smiling while I live my life. I imagine him waiting...to see what I will do next.
Ah, yes. I remember this milepost well - realizing I could talk to Jay even though he was gone. His decline was so long and pointed that I got to this point fairly early on, because I had more time to adjust to the real him being gone, even though he was still alive. :: hugs ::
ReplyDelete<3 hugs and support. I think you got totally got this sweet Arielle!
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful post from an incredibly beautiful human - inside and out. Still think of you so much, A.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds immensely comforting. I still talk out loud to my mom even though she passed away 6 years ago. It adds a sense of normalcy and makes me feel like she's in the other room listening to me even though she isn't anymore. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI talk to my fiancé's picture every night. I also tell him good morning and ask for him to continue watching over me. Your blog has comforted me on some very difficult days. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteA mutual friend mentioned you today, so I found myself thinking about you again. Like I said on chat the other day, your resilience, strength, and courage to get out of bed in the morning and then on top of that, interact with people....continues to amaze me.
ReplyDeleteYou are inspiring.
♡nikki
A mutual friend mentioned you today, so I found myself thinking about you again. Like I said on chat the other day, your resilience, strength, and courage to get out of bed in the morning and then on top of that, interact with people....continues to amaze me.
ReplyDeleteYou are inspiring.
♡nikki
Dear Arielle you have had to adjust to being by yourself which is not easy when you have had rick to share your thoughts feelings with everday so why stop now. Keep doing what u need to do you are really amazing you really bare your soul on this blog teaching us there is nothing wrong in saying what we think and feel. Sending love and hugs xxxx Ann richardson
ReplyDeleteI like picturing Rick in Bliss as well. And I'm sure that he watches you all the time. You have accomplished so much. You are stronger than you know. Sending hugs and love! Alicia
ReplyDeleteKeep on talking with him, I think it's another way to go on.
ReplyDeleteHe brought you something special when he came in your life, didn't he? That's what you hold onto.
Keep on talking with him.
That's how you keep him still alive.
Your posts are helping me. I can relate to so many of them. Thanks.
ReplyDelete