The Heaviness of Emptiness

Today was a bad day. Rick's mom was more than a little confused and she wanted to know where Rick was. It kind of set my day in motion the wrong way.

My mom met me at my house at noon and we cleaned. I did some things I had been putting off due to avoidance or lack of energy or both. I cleaned all the clutter from the kitchen table. De-cluttered the island countertop too. Did multiple loads of laundry. Put clothes away. Vacuumed the house. My mom folded clothes, hung clothes, and she cleaned my toilets for me. She also helped me plant the daisies I bought for the front yard. I brushed the kitties. Washed the sheets. Made the bed. I cleaned the stove. Everything would meet with Rick's approval.

Through it all, I still felt sorry for myself. I was annoyed that our two-person way of doing things was now just up to me. Irritated that I had let simple tasks pile up.

My mom and I had to look for something we needed in the basement where I don't go alone. It was clear I hadn't been down there in a while, because we found old cat vomit on the cement floor and also on the rug that covers the spot where my husband killed himself.  Right on the damn rug.

Juice is fine. It must have been from when she was sick. And yes, I know this is disgusting. But we had to clean it up. And I sat there, scrubbing the mess...of the rug...that covers the spot where my husband died.

I just felt so heavy today, and everything around me felt like it weighed a ton too. How can emptiness feel so heavy? It's an oxymoron...

I went for a run to clear my head. The sun felt warm, but it contradicted the way I felt inside. Emotionally, everything hurt. I just kept thinking of all the things I don't want. And the ones I don't want to deal with. All the negatives of this life-altering situation.

Which of course only made me feel worse. I know better.

Then I was even more upset, because I'm a positive gal and I felt like I wasn't being my usual self. I guess things like a mother-in-law with dementia and cat vomit will do that to a person who is left behind after a suicide.

After my run, sweaty and hot, I rested in the cool living room for a few minutes and a blue envelope on a nearby table caught my eye. All of a sudden, I remembered Alicia and how she had left 3 envelopes with me when she said good bye and went back to Michigan. One remained unopened and I knew which one it was...

I opened it. And it did cheer me up. Inside was a note to encourage something sweet and a gift card for Cold Stone Creamery, an ice cream place. The suggestion of cheering up seemed to be all I needed to improve my mood.

I may still feel irritated and annoyed at times, because Rick left me in a heavy position. I may still feel overwhelmed by tasks. I may still be sad for parts of every day. But I have a mom who loves me. My house is very clean. My front yard is full of tiny daisy plants ready to bloom. And I'm blogging early tonight...because I'm going out for ice cream.