Uncharted Territory

After a drive to and from Delaware for a friend's bridal shower, I'm back home and in for the night. The energy and bustle of a friendly and fun gathering is a stark contrast to the emptiness of my house. Talking on the phone is great...texting is fine too...and the internet holds no shortage of ways to connect with the outside world...but I long for kind of conversation you have with someone in the same room, close enough to touch and feel.

I enjoy my alone time...I really do...I like to be independent and busy, or to relax and think. I've never been someone who can't stand being alone in the sense that I like to be by myself because I'm okay with myself. But the fact of the matter is, you can't be by yourself all the time... and the night time is when I wish for the comfort and companionship I feel I am lacking.

There are so many things I could say. Sometimes I think I could write a 10 page blog post, babbling on and on about all of the emotions and thoughts I have every day. And still, there are also things that are so hard to put into words. Some people can understand those emotions and thoughts without a conversation. Some people don't understand even when paragraphs of words are cascading down a computer screen.

I told someone recently that I was complex. An arrangement of parts, all working for and against each other. Intricate. A compilation of pieces and ideas and characteristics. I suppose it's what makes me interesting... and I have to say, I've gotten to know myself pretty well over the years, but it must be difficult for others to peel back all my layers and really grasp the inner workings of my heart and soul. So few have been there. Uncharted territory.

Learning

In my whole life, I have never learned more than I've learned these last 7 months. Through childhood, school, college, graduate school, relationships, marriage, hardship, celebration, and goal-setting, nothing has ever taught me more than these last 7 months. 

I have had experiences that have shaped me in ways I could never begin to explain. I have had conversations that have comforted me, propelled me, and made me think. I have faced fears. I have relied on my resilience. I have examined my soul. 

I feel brand new and ancient at the same time. So very young but so very old. I have felt a whole gamut of emotions from curiosity to fear to anger to sorrow to confusion to joy to pride to excitement to relief... Every emotion teaches me something...because I am listening.

There are times when I wake up in the morning when my whole body listens intently to what I'm feeling inside. The stir of the soul has a distinct sound. There are times in my car when I'm driving and listening with all my might to all the things my soul is saying. I feel the emotions shoot from my fingertips and I've been known to belt out a profound lyric or two alone in my car as the wave of my soul crashes into the shore of my understanding. There are times when I lie awake late at night, just listening. Listening to me. To what I am saying. Doing. Feeling. Wanting. Needing. Being. 

Sometimes I think I'm really onto something.