Today is a day when I am trying to stay uplifting and uplifted. I feel down and irritated. The last time I felt like this was last Saturday. I'm sensing a pattern. The first day I'm not at work for the week kind of sends me into a funk of loneliness. It doesn't seem to matter how many things I do to fill my day (and I have no shortage of things to do) or how many people I see. The loneliness is there, eating away at me slowly until the night falls. And then it becomes this unbearable weight that somehow creates a void.
I don't want to be this way. I want to remain positive. I want to be that phoenix, that mountain climber, that woman with a grateful heart.
Today I woke up and fed the cats. Then I didn't feel like starting my day. So I went back to bed. I woke up again and pushed myself to go for a run. It made me feel better, a release of emotion and heaviness... but then I ran errands and my earlier heaviness and agitation returned. I came home and cried inside the shower like the world was ending. I reminded myself of all the beautiful, wonderful parts of life and cried some more because I was in there screaming to myself, "I DON'T WANT TO BE CRYING!"
Cue more crying. More agitation.
There's nothing like crying about the fact that you're crying.
I went to a cookout with my extended family and felt like a mopey person in a corner, far too aware of the emptiness that signified the absence of Rick.
Now I'm at home, curled up in a blanket, drinking red wine, and giving myself a pep talk about all the reasons I don't need to cry again. For what feels like the millionth time this summer, fireworks boom nearby, sending shockwaves through my body that just wants to be at peace. I'm irritated all over again. It's August. They can stop setting off rockets now.
I honestly wanted to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs to whoever was doing it: "PLEASE STOP! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! MY HUSBAND SHOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD AND I AM SO SICK OF HEARING THAT GUNSHOT NOISE EVERY WEEKEND!"
I threw open my front door. I walked outside. I stood there. My body cracked back in a whip of movement as another BOOM sounded somewhere in the neighborhood. I didn't yell. I didn't cry. I just walked back inside. Irritated. Alone.
And here I am blogging in my living room. I glance to my right and see this:
A reminder to stay afloat. This will pass and hope is here to stay. Every night will not be like this. My days are flowers and tonight is just a weed that popped up. I have to pluck it, breathe, and let the rain bring new flowers. I have to be patient.