Saturday, August 2, 2014


Today is a day when I am trying to stay uplifting and uplifted. I feel down and irritated. The last time I felt like this was last Saturday. I'm sensing a pattern. The first day I'm not at work for the week kind of sends me into a funk of loneliness. It doesn't seem to matter how many things I do to fill my day (and I have no shortage of things to do) or how many people I see. The loneliness is there, eating away at me slowly until the night falls. And then it becomes this unbearable weight that somehow creates a void.

I don't want to be this way. I want to remain positive. I want to be that phoenix, that mountain climber, that woman with a grateful heart.

Today I woke up and fed the cats. Then I didn't feel like starting my day. So I went back to bed. I woke up again and pushed myself to go for a run. It made me feel better, a release of emotion and heaviness... but then I ran errands and my earlier heaviness and agitation returned. I came home and cried inside the shower like the world was ending. I reminded myself of all the beautiful, wonderful parts of life and cried some more because I was in there screaming to myself, "I DON'T WANT TO BE CRYING!"

Cue more crying. More agitation.

There's nothing like crying about the fact that you're crying.

I went to a cookout with my extended family and felt like a mopey person in a corner, far too aware of the emptiness that signified the absence of Rick.

Now I'm at home, curled up in a blanket, drinking red wine, and giving myself a pep talk about all the reasons I don't need to cry again. For what feels like the millionth time this summer, fireworks boom nearby, sending shockwaves through my body that just wants to be at peace. I'm irritated all over again. It's August. They can stop setting off rockets now.

I honestly wanted to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs to whoever was doing it: "PLEASE STOP! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! MY HUSBAND SHOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD AND I AM SO SICK OF HEARING THAT GUNSHOT NOISE EVERY WEEKEND!"

I threw open my front door. I walked outside. I stood there. My body cracked back in a whip of movement as another BOOM sounded somewhere in the neighborhood. I didn't yell. I didn't cry. I just walked back inside. Irritated. Alone.

And here I am blogging in my living room. I glance to my right and see this:

A reminder to stay afloat. This will pass and hope is here to stay. Every night will not be like this. My days are flowers and tonight is just a weed that popped up. I have to pluck it, breathe, and let the rain bring new flowers. I have to be patient.


  1. Oh honey. I'm sorry today was rough. Continue to hope. Tomorrow will be a new day. It's ok to be agitated, mopey and sad sometimes. You aren't alone. We are all here to support you.
    Lots of love. Alicia

  2. Dear Arielle im sorry your feeling this way i think crying sometimes is a way of coping with what we are feeling it is better to cry rather than hold it all in.You are being the phoenix and the mountain climber you are being very strong we are very proud of you.sending love and hugs xxxx Ann richardson

  3. The journey through grief can feel like climbing a mountain. Just when you think you are making progress, the trail disappears. You may need to retrace your steps and find another route. That doesn’t mean you are not still climbing the mountain, making progress, moving forward. Rest is also important when climbing a mountain. Some of the best healing happens when we let go of trying to heal and rest for a little while.
    Take good care.

  4. I am just going to send you hugs. Because the words in my head never quite come out the same as I am thinking them and I just end up sending jumbled ridiculous thoughts! So I am just going to send you hugs. And much love XOX


Help me feel less alone.