So tonight when I found out that Robin Williams committed suicide, it felt like someone threw a really heavy brick at me and the brick hit me in the stomach. I just sat motionless like a statue, hurting so badly inside my gut... I could almost imagine my heart starting to bleed inside me. Then, with a delayed reaction, I started bawling.
My mind cannot conceive of a loss like this. It hits so close to home. It is too soon in my grieving process for something like this. I feel like I got catapulted back to May 18th when I read the statement Robin Williams' wife gave:
This morning, I lost my husband and my best friend, while the world lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings. I am utterly heartbroken.
From there on out, my brain has just been a mess of trauma and tragedy and re-living bad memories. I have been texting people all evening. I have called my mom. I am just a crying mess of a person. And I am so ANGRY. I was having a normal day, a normal night, and then BAM - I was slammed with this terrible news that just sent me into a spiral of reliving all my traumatizing feelings from the end of May.
How can people be in so much pain that they take their own lives? It just hurts my heart so much to know that the pain is so real and unbearable for people like Robin Williams... like Rick...
I can't go back on Facebook where every post is about this suicide. It gives me PTSD type triggers. It really does... I can't watch the news. I am sad that suicide is something that is permanent. Real. Painful.
I don't want this pain.
I want to remain the positive, smiling person everyone knows. And I don't want to remain that way just for them. I want to be positive for ME. I want to be okay, feel okay, and not be blindsided by all this tragedy so that I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I don't want hysterical tears and a heavy heart. I don't want traumatic responses. I don't want to have no control over my life and emotions. I don't want this.
I don't know how to sleep tonight... I feel like someone has stabbed me 50 times and I'm stinging and bleeding in pain, all the while having flashbacks of the day Rick killed himself. What I was wearing. What I was saying. What I was feeling. What everything looked like. What I found. What I saw. Who I heard. I don't want this happening to me. I want peace. And I had some peace, quietly eating my dinner and watching TV... until I heard the news about Robin Williams.
I hate ending on a negative note. But tonight it is all I can do to hold it together. So I will simply say this: Suicide is terrible, tragic, and irreversible. Please remember that suicide itself is not a disease. Depression is. Mood disorders are. Addictions. Eating disorders. Etc. Etc. Suicide cannot be reversed...but there is help for the leading causes. Life is beautiful, important, and meaningful. There will never be another you.