Wednesday, July 23, 2014


People keep telling me I'm amazing. Inspiring.

I do the blushing smile, the nod...sometimes I get choked up. I am so touched by the words and the kind opinions.

I don't feel inspiring. I'm just trying to survive. So that I can get back to really living. And the best way I know how to survive and to live is to stay positive, share that positivity, be open and vulnerable, reach out for support, express gratitude for life lessons, and write.

If doing all of those things makes me inspiring, then I succumb to the loving opinions.

There is a power in owning my grief. So much was taken from me. So much has changed. I had no choice. But this - all of this - is how I choose to grieve. That is something I get to choose.

We cannot change what happens to us without our consent, but we can choose how we grieve. I choose to grieve with a full heart, an open mind, and sometimes even a smile.

I choose to grieve by talking to speaking through tears as I drive my telling him about my letting him know I'm going forward as he wanted me to do.

I choose to grieve by running through my neighborhood...listening to music mile after mile...sending up thoughts and sending out dreams.

I choose to grieve by rearranging my home...marking my territory as mine alone...adapting to the new environment in which I live.

I choose to grieve by watching the Gilmore Girls with my good friend Jennifer every Wednesday night...a new ritual of friendship and lightheartedness...a reminder that I am not alone.

I choose to grieve by growing the positivity wall in my office... by reminding myself that the world does not shut down because my life has been continuing to love all the things I love.

I choose to grieve by helping doing my job and liking saying I am unashamed by sadness or mourning.

I choose to grieve by enjoying the parts of my life that are still there to be knowing that Rick wants every possible light to fill me up.

I choose to grieve by not losing sight of who I was...who I am...who I want to be.

I choose to grieve by writing this unabashedly sharing the day to day thoughts, the deeper meanings, the raw and difficult circumstances. The good, the bad, and the real. I embrace grief, I embrace life, and I embrace the new me that emerges more and more each day. I still cry. And sometimes, I cry a lot. I still feel pain, and sometimes it hurts far too much. I still get overwhelmed, and sometimes it feels all-consuming. But at the beginning of my morning, at the end of the day...though I did not choose how I got here...I can still choose how I grieve. There is always a choice if you bother to look. 


  1. Sharing your grief, acknowledging it rather than only "putting on a brave face" is what makes people admire you. I'm happy to read and honored to be able to know how you are doing - the good, the bad, the real.
    Sending lots of love

  2. You can't change the wind, but you can direct the sails.
    Things happen in life and, unfortunately, often we can't change them... but we can decide how to deal with them.
    Because the important thing is not how you hit, but how do you react to the blows of life.


Help me feel less alone.