Tuesday, July 8, 2014


During the first few weeks after Rick's death, I found myself asking, "Why?" whenever I was alone. The question just always appeared in my mind.  If I was combing my wet hair, my mind would be saying, "Why?" If I was opening the refrigerator, my mind would be saying, "Why?" If I stopped at a stop sign, my mind would be saying, "Why?"

Lately, I just sit alone in my house, stare at nothing, and ask myself: "What do I want?" 

It's a big question to answer, because there are so many things I want. It's much more comforting to list the things I already have. I try to remain grateful and positive. I try to erase the tired feeling from my mind.

Still, one answer sounds off in my head when I confront "What do I want?"

An escape.

Not an escape from reality or an escape from my problems...not even an escape from my grief. Just time away from life as I know it, space to breathe, a reprieve. 

In asking myself "What do I want?" the answer becomes clear: I need a place where I can go to ask myself that very question: "What do I want?" and make some headway.

I need a clear head, a calm heart, a succession of deep breaths, to close my eyes, to feel and be without responsibility. 

I want to be able to have my thoughts control my feelings or my feelings control my thoughts...whatever I decide. 

I want an escape where I can feel safe. Where my spiritual self can connect with my emotional self which can connect with my mental self which can connect with my physical self. I want those things to connect so I can adjust to my new life. 

Not a life of starting over, but a new life nonetheless. 

I cannot envision the specifics. The sea...a field...a lake...a mountain...a starry night...a sunrise...maybe a combination of a few...or maybe none at all...but something...something...that grounds the mind, body, and soul while the pain takes flight and floats away. 


  1. I love this Arielle! I can connect with you on this on so many levels. Stay strong .. your strength inspires me!!

  2. Hey you, yes you wonderful lady, i remember you being really awesome with the paintbrush. So here's an idea, the paint brush can be a tool to express visually what we cannot fully form mentally, maybe if you start a painting of place or something resembling one, you will find your answer.
    I cheer for you on a daily basis, you are the definition of strength and perseverance, i know you will stay strong because it is part of who you are.
    Keep the smile, looks good on you.

  3. Arielle, one thing which I sometimes like to do is search Meditation Scenery on YouTube. There are literally thousands of videos of all kinds of scenery. Often they come with mood music. Some of my favorites are ocean cliffs and mountain waterfalls. Remember, you never realize how strong you are until being strong is the only option.


Help me feel less alone.