What I said was this:
The world may be different because Rick is no longer in it, but the world will also be different because I am being shaped by this experience to do/be things I might not otherwise have done/been.
I know that this world will never be as it was when Rick was here, interacting with people on a daily basis, happy in his role as my husband and friend. I know that places will seem emptier, that hearts will seem heavier, and that everything has forever changed. But I also know that because of Rick's tragic death, because of the void that has changed me, I will be different. I am different. And because I am different, this world will be different.
I don't know how yet, but I know.
Beyond the nightmares, beyond the tears, beyond the emptiness, there is a stillness within me that settles and allows me the power to rise from the ashes as the phoenix I want to be. I don't know what I will do, where I will go, or whom I will be, but I will be different.
I can search for happiness...or I can choose to create it. This is a choice I get to make every day. I am lucky that despite the lack of control I have over so many things in my life, I always have this choice. I always have the option to search or to create. I will always choose to create happiness.
For me, there is no other way. Rick knew this about me, and I like to think that it was one of the things he loved.
Sometimes, I feel so lonely I don't know how I'll ever find happiness again. That is when I remind myself that I don't have to find it. All I have to do is create it.
Rick made a choice that affected me. It's a choice that will always affect me. I can be sad...angry...hurt...upset...overwhelmed...and scared...but all of those feelings are okay and natural. BUT I can also be happy. I can be sad yet choose happiness. I can be angry yet choose happiness. I can be hurt yet choose happiness. I can be upset yet choose happiness. I can be overwhelmed yet choose happiness. I can be scared yet choose happiness. The emotions I feel on a daily basis do not negate my desire to live and breathe and thrive.
Rick's death does not negate my love for him.
My life will go on, and it will be different than I imagined... Rick is gone, so I will be different...and because I am different, you will be different. And so it goes... the world has changed, is ever-changing...
The world is different. And maybe that's exactly what's meant to be.
Thank you for being you. <3 Angela Sinkler
ReplyDeleteDear Arielle everyday you share your life, inner strength and wisdom with us teaching us what hope is about we are very lucky to have you do that. sending love and hugs xxxx Ann richardson
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your insight, Arielle. This is helpful to me as my mother passed away in 2009 when I was 18. It's sometimes comforting knowing that I'm not the only one that was changed by her illness and death and that because I've changed, so has everyone around me. It's lonely feeling like I'm the only one that remembers her every single day and was greatly touched by her life. I hope you feel less alone. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYour words amaze me. Your strength amazes me. And I'm so glad that I can count you as my friend. You have taken a situation that would break most people and you have challenged yourself to find happiness beyond and through it. That is something that some people can't do on the best of days, let alone when going through the loss of a spouse. Keep allowing yourself to feel your feelings and process everything that you're going through but continue to choose happiness. You're an inspiration to so many. Sending lots of love.
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