Monday, June 30, 2014


The night before Rick's funeral, I had a nightmare. It was related to the suicide and my best friend woke me up because I was crying out loud.

Apparently the nightmares are back, trigged by early Independence Day fireworks. 

I think it started at my parents' house last night. I was there for dinner, we were all inside, and somewhere outside a firecracker went off. I jumped, visibly shaken, and was suddenly jolted into an idea of Rick's last moments. A gunshot I didn't hear, but know occurred. I guess that's enough. I recovered in an instant, but the noise really shook me inside my head. As a social worker, I understand that these things happen, but on a personal level, I wasn't expecting it.

The random early firecracker faded into nothingness and I went on with my night. I went home. I blogged. I watched some TV. Then more early fireworks started in my own neighborhood. I jumped when they started - much more than the scenario called for, but easily relaxed as the night wore on (and so did the fireworks). 

The cats and I went to bed. And just like that, the nightmares were back. I had at least four last night. I had horrible ones during which I couldn't wake myself up, but wanted to desperately. I had ones that caused me to wake up yelling or crying. I felt like I had to keep catching my breath last night.

I'm hoping the nightmares will dissipate again...or perhaps present themselves one at a time. The cluster of nightmares last night was too intense and unbearable. I thought I was past the timeframe that would cause such resurfacing of trauma. I thought my grief had taken over in a softer, less extreme way. 

I guess grief still has surprises. 

I don't want to remember the bad or the scary. I want to remember the good. I don't like when things are out of my control. 

I don't like being caught off guard. Actually, I don't like grieving. 


  1. Just wanted to say how glad I am I found your blog. My beloved partner died at the beginning of June of metastatic colon cancer, and while I'm no stranger to grief, this kind of grief is new to me. Thank you for sharing your journey, for helping me to feel less alone. And my utter and complete sympathies for your loss.

    1. I'm glad you found the blog too. Thank you for reading and walking the grief journey with me.

  2. I hope you find relief from these nightmares, hun. They sound so terrible and especially when you're alone. ::hugs::

  3. Big hugs. I hope the nightmares don't linger for long. Love you.


Help me feel less alone.