Saturday, June 7, 2014

The Melancholy of Music

Music is a trigger of grief for me. I can't listen to the radio. I have to drive in silence or succumb to crying. CDs are out. Every song seems to remind me of Rick, love, memories, or some emotion I used to feel. 

Rick and I had a lot of special songs. We had a lot of mix CDs and we played them for each other all the time. Some people have one or two or three "our songs." Rick and I had more than 70. 

So music is hard. 

Even background music in a store hurts me when I hear it. I want to run. I want to turn it off. 

I drove to Connecticut early this morning to go wedding dress shopping with my best friend Sarah who is newly engaged. I was looking forward to being with her again, but dreading the drive alone. I knew I couldn't listen to music for over 3 hours without bawling. I also knew I couldn't drive in silence for that long with only my sad thoughts to accompany me. 

I wasn't sure how to deal with the drive. I considered blasting urban rap which wouldn't trigger any memories or sadness. I thought about a book on tape... But that didn't feel right either since I was too tired and I worried it might put me to sleep. 

My dilemma was solved by my good friend Jennifer. She brought me a comedy CD by Ellen.

It worked like a charm. I did not cry on my drive to Connecticut. I touched my new pendant every time my heart hurt.

Being away from home for the weekend is hard, because it feels like it always felt - like Rick is just at home waiting for me. It's an unsettling kind of feeling. My chest is tight; my mind is confused. I'm afraid to drive home to an empty house. 

It's easier to pretend he's there with the cats, planning our week and missing me. 

I wish it was true.
I wish the old reality was real. 
It's easier to miss a husband I think I'm going to see again than one I'm not. 


  1. You know you are such an awesome person. I love reading what you write. Know that everything you feel is valid. I have to add, please consider an audio book. Many times they're actually not boring. If you liked Ellen, let me suggest Bossypants by Tina Fey. I'm here, a librarian, to continue to suggest. <3

  2. Dear Arielle Rick will always be with you in your heart.You have amazing spirit and courage .To just do what you are doing everyday is very brave.You are still reaching out to people even at the hardest time in your life just know we are here.xx

  3. Beautiful girl, brave girl, another first and you are doing this. Its not easy, its not without pain but you are doing this. I know Rick is so proud of you for how you are handling this - we all are. Truly xxx


Help me feel less alone.