Living Life

Today was full of life. I lived life today.

Although Alicia didn't travel all the way from Michigan to sit around while I visited Rick's mom, she continued her good friend streak by journeying out to buy me more stamps for all my thank you cards while I spent some time with my mother-in-law. As usual, Rick's mom and I cried together, held hands, and talked about Rick. We looked at photo albums. She kept saying, "My baby, my baby boy," which always breaks my heart. When I hear her say those words, I get a little angry with Rick. I want to ask him if he thought of his mom before he made his last earthly decision.

When I got home from my visit, Alicia provided me with stamps and something else: anchor screws from the hardware store. The anchor screws were for a project we worked on later.

We went out to get manicures and pedicures. Just over one month out, my nails are still black - I'm still in mourning. They're going to start wondering about me at the nail salon - the young woman who comes in and gets her nails painted black every time. The nail tech said, "You want black?" He raised his eyebrow. I offered no explanation. "Yes, black," was all I said.

I considered getting them painted a different color today. I considered being ready for that. But as I thought about the choice of color, I remembered I was woken up last night to Tumbler crying. I could hear him downstairs in the living room, crying and crying as though his heart would break. I laid in bed, listening. I thought for sure he'd stop after a while. When he didn't, I got nervous, so I went downstairs to make sure he was all right. He was just standing in the middle of the living room, crying. "I know just how you feel," I said.

He stopped crying when he saw me and we looked at each other in the dark. He was physically fine in every way and there was nothing amiss. I asked him if he missed Rick, then I scooped him up and took him up to bed with me.

When I considered choosing a nail color other than black, I thought of my silly little cat. And I decided that black was still the feeling of my heart.

After being pampered, Alicia and I did what any women would do: we screwed hardware into my kitchen wall to put up an adorable shelf I bought for my mail/keys/purse/etc.

One bin is for incoming mail; the other bin is for the outgoing. We were pretty impressed with ourselves, but I honestly have to give most of the credit to Alicia. She's handier than Rick ever was. 

I have many thank you notes left to write, because the packages keep coming. Over a month since Rick died, I still open my mailbox each day to beautiful cards and thoughtful gifts. I'm luckier than so many people.

We also hung sconces alongside the wall art I bought a couple of weeks ago. My house is familiar, yet foreign, because so many empty spaces keep appearing. I'm trying to make my house my own. I'm trying to showcase Rick and our life together, but not pretend he still lives here with me. 

There are so many times a day I want to cry. I've found that the littlest distraction is enough to keep the tears at bay: a random question from a friend, a clothing ad on Facebook, a text from my brother-in-law, the sudden noise of children playing outside, or a "hello" from a neighbor. All it takes is a split second of distraction and my mind loosens its tight grip on my eyes. My eyes don't leak the tears.

And as I said, today was full of life. I lived life today. Rick would probably hate the shelf I put on the wall, but he'd be glad that Alicia and I had a good laugh. Rick would probably love the wall art and mirror candle sconces in the stairway, but I can almost hear him saying, "Are those green?" ...When I put them on the wall, I thought of his colorblindness and smiled. Rick would probably have missed me all day if he was home while I was out and about, but instead, I was missing him and he was happy that I was living life.