Sunday, June 15, 2014

Rick's Notes

There is one pile left in my house…and it’s the most painful. It’s a pile of notes that Rick wrote to me from 2007-2014.

Rick was a masculine guy, but he was also very sensitive. He wrote me notes all the time – when we were just starting out, later when I was in graduate school for 3 years, and right up until the day he died. It was typical for me to come home late after working all day and going to school all night to find one of his handwritten notes waiting for me on the kitchen table.

They always made me smile and feel loved. He never tired of writing to me. He always took the time to let me know he was thinking of me.

Often, he was already in bed for the night when I’d finish my busy schedule. His notes were what connected us until the morning. I used to crawl in bed beside him and feel so lucky to have a husband who wrote me notes.

I saved every one.

Now, I have hundreds… from various stages of our relationship and marriage, including the last note I ever found waiting for me on our kitchen table - his suicide note to me. It hurts so much to read them all, but they beg to be read, because they also remind me how much Rick loved me. He knew that I would be okay, or he would never have taken his own life.

When someone asks me about Rick, about the kind of man he was, I immediately think of his notes. To me, his notes most clearly define the kind of person he was: thoughtful, sensitive, honest, and grateful. We all have flaws, troubles, burdens, and idiosyncrasies. Rick was no different. He was not the perfect man, but he was the perfect man for me.

His notes to me always came from his heart rather than his mind. It is because his notes so aptly define the character of the man I loved that I am sharing this video:


  1. Arielle,

    It has been ages since we have spoken, but I heard about your husband and I am truly saddened by this tragedy. Rick sounds like a wonderful person and husband. My deepest condolences.

    Mary Pho

  2. I sat here reading these tonight, sobbing...mostly because I tried to kill myself twice, and my husband never knew how afraid and lonely I felt. He was so wonderful, but I didn't want to make him feel like he was doing something wrong. He wasn't...He was light, but I was still in so much pain. I'm so sorry that you are missing Rick. There is nothing I can say to make that pain go away...He loved you probably more than his words could ever express, but still he tried to let you know. His written words are such a gift. You are loved. <3

    1. I can identify with you so much. This blog has enlightened me to the feeling my family and boyfriend have felt for so many years. I have spent a lot of my life in an out of hospitals: suicide attempts, eating disorder, drug addiction, and I never realized how much it hurt them just as much as it hurt me. I hurt in many ways so deeply that I can't seem to express, but I hurt so much more knowing that I can not express this in a way that makes any sense to my loved ones or to make them feel like they were not doing anything wrong to make me feel this way.

      I am glad to say I am in recovery now, but each day is a battle. My deepest condolences with you Arielle. I know I can not take that pain away either, but I want you to know that you are loved by Rick and so many others. Your words have helped so many, including myself.

  3. I cried watching this. I have not met you face to face, but I have been following your blogs and recovery videos for quite some time, and it's as if I know you. My heart aches watching this. His love for you is so deep, and I am saddened that he had to leave the way he did, but that does not make his love for you any less of a beautiful thing. My prayers are with you now until the end of time. <3

  4. Arielle, I have been following you and your blog for years. While we have never met in person, you have touched my heart, and were a huge motivator for my own personal struggle and recovery. While I did not lose my spouse, I lost my mother, and I want you to know that my heart is with you. That every day that you get out of bed, you look in the mirror, and make the decision to keep moving on with life, that I am thinking of you, and supporting you. I am so proud of you for writing this blog, for letting the world know what an amazing man your husband is, and for sharing your memories.


Help me feel less alone.