Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Something for Me

I'm selling Rick's car tomorrow. I need the money from the car sale to pay for the funeral, so I can't put it off.

I cleaned out his car today after work. It was Rick's, so of course it was already spotless, but I had to collect the personal items: his back pillows for pain, his glasses, and his tic-tacs. Touching his glasses made immediate tears spring to my eyes, and never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that shaking a container of tic-tacs could make me feel sad.

Since I had to gather paperwork for the notary tomorrow, I also went through every file in Rick's desk to make a pile for the attorney I'm enlisting to help me finalize all my finances, accounts, and legal documents. Piles in place by my purse on the kitchen table, I felt more organized. I moved on to a cabinet in my living room, trying to make sure there was nothing important still left unfound.

I talked to Rick as I sifted through endless papers, and I found myself saying, "I wish I could find something you left behind for ME. Why couldn't you leave something for me besides a suicide note?" I asked him to help me find something that would make me smile and show me he remembered me before leaving me.

I was actually starting to get annoyed. Bills, papers, emails, taxes... isn't there anything nice left here for me? 

Finished with my sifting and gathering and organizing, I opened the small drawer in his desk where he kept things like a candle lighter, his glasses, and his passport. Underneath those items, I saw what I thought was a piece of paper, so I dug it out. It was a Hallmark greeting card, tucked in the lip of a white envelope.

I flipped it over and started to cry. It was a birthday card, still unsigned...for me. He had bought me a birthday card already...and my birthday isn't until October.

I decided that I'm going to seal it up and save it to read again on my birthday in 4 months. Thank you, Rick, for helping me find this tonight. Thank you for hearing me.


  1. I can't even begin to image how difficult this whole process is - the loss and the pain and the heartache obviously, but then this minutiae of the aftermath :( I just hope you have lots of loving, caring people around you, Arielle. I am sending love and light your way.

  2. What a wonderful find! My guess is that somehow is some way he is sending you small things frequently, whether or not you notice them right away.
    The tedium of someone else's death is beyond wearing. Keep breathing. Keep looking for the good. Keep crying whenever you need to. Love to you.

  3. Sending my strength for today. I'm sure it will be hard to sell the car and deal with the notary.

    That was so wonderfully sweet of Rick to buy the birthday card so early. I'm so glad you found it.

    Love you.

  4. You're guy is as ever beautiful. xxx

  5. His love for you was huge! He planned months in advance


Help me feel less alone.