Thursday, June 26, 2014

39 Days

This blog is 1 month old today. It's amazing how in such a short time, I have gathered my army of support around me, obtained a base of readers, and developed a ritual of nightly writing in order to cope.

Today I am 39 days a widow. 39 days of weirdness, pain, discovery, adaptation, fear, loss, grief, introspection, and sorrow. 39 days without Rick. 39 days of re-remembering every morning that my life is now different.

When I realized that I have been a widow for 39 days, my brain took me on a journey of numbers. I determined that I was a wife for 2,220 days exactly. That's all. 2,220. It sounds so insignificant in the scheme of life. Only 2,220 days. It turns out, that's all 6 years and 1 month amounts to: 2,220 days. 

The number of days I was a wife will forever remain stagnant, unmoving and irreversible. 2,220. But as I live and move forward in my new life, the number of days I am a widow will gain momentum, increase, and eventually surpass the number of days I was a wife. The days I am a widow will leave 2,220 in the dust. It startles me to realize that. And it hurts.

Being left behind is never a good feeling. I've been left behind with a memory box of a mere 2,220 days and a ticking day counter of widowhood. 

Speaking of being left behind, I took Juice to the vet again today and the vet is pretty sure that Juice has kidney failure like Tumbler. Hers is earlier stage than Tumbler's, but kidney failure at age 4 is not a good thing. Moral of the story: my whole little family is either dead or dying. Sooner than I would like, I'll be officially all alone.

That's not to say that Tumbler and Juice can't live for up to another year, but that's just 365 days. And when 2,220 seems unfair, 365 seems miniscule. I'm distraught and trying to think positive. There are positives: Juice finally ate something tonight after a long stretch of nothing. Tumbler gained weight at the vet when I thought the best case scenario would be for his weight to remain stable rather than lose. He continues to persist at life, just as I told him to do. I bought a cat pheromone diffuser plug-in for my house. It's for stressed out kitties who are dealing with transition, adjustments, or grief. The pheromones let them know they are safe and secure.


The vet suspects that due to the kitties' young age, it's a genetic abnormality that caused them to develop kidney failure. Since they are brother and sister from the same litter, their cat mom was ill, and Tumbler already has a birth defect (cerebella hypoplasia), the odds were just against them for some reason. 

So here we are, a household of miserable creatures...snuggling, crying, and inhaling the pheromones. Just a cat widow and her cats, waiting for the odds to be in our favor.


11 comments:

  1. My heart breaks for you and I hate how I can't help. I hear how you are suffering. There's nothing that I can write to turn this awful situation into a less bad one but know that you are loved and supported. You aren't alone. There are so many people holding you in their hearts. I love you and I am always thinking of you. I'm only a phone call away.

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  2. Alicia took the words right out of my mouth. I wish I could give you the biggest hug.

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  3. I'm so sorry Arielle. I wish there was something I could do. I keep you in my thoughts and in my heart.

    Even though they are all called "days", your precious time with Rick doesn't convert to the unit of measure we call a day.

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  4. Dear Arielle im sure with the love they receive from you they will keep getting stronger and better Tumbler is a very cute cat too. xxxx Ann richardson

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  5. Dear me Arielle! Now your cats have chronic kidney disease. Still, cats can live for years, sometimes many years, with chronic kidney disease depending on the stage.
    See http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18691369
    Also, if Juice has acute pancreatitis it would be very hard to accurately gauge her kidney function, so it may well improve once she gets over her acute illness.
    Still, it must be very upsetting for you.

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  6. My best hugs for you all XoX

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  7. Hi, Arielle. I have been following silently for a while now. Your neverending strength is truly admirable and inspiring. I came across this link today, and it seems like the perfect answer for enjoying as much time with your cats as possible!! If nothing else, I hope it brings a smile to your face. http://kittyo.com

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    1. OMG that's awesome. Thank you, Danielle. :-)

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  8. I'm so sorry about all of the hurt you are enduring, my friend. If it helps to know, my kitty lived a very long life with chronic kidney failure. Both of my cats were poisoned when there was melamine in their food. One lived three more years and the other lived to the age of 18. And yes, every single day I told him multiple times that I loved him and that he was so special. (He also got spoon fed on sick days, and lots and lots of treats as his weight was low.) Whew, all this to say it might just be more than a year, or 365 days. It might not, AND it might. Keep loving them, which I know you will do. Oh, and Riley had some genetic funkiness, but it was mostly missing parts, not anything like Tumbler.

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  9. Oh, no. I so wish I could make things better, Arielle. I'm so sorry about your babies.

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Help me feel less alone.