Grief on sleep is better than grief on no sleep. I finally slept a long time on Friday night. I went to bed at 11:45 pm, woke up at 7 am to feed the catkids, and then went back to bed and slept until 11 am. It was so needed. I woke up feeling like a new woman. For the first time in months, I felt awake, rested, and ready to take on the day.
Last night, I slept for almost 7 hours, which is much better than what had become my usual 4-5. I am hoping this is the beginning of a new pattern. Grief on sleep is still grief...but it's more manageable.
Muscle aches, pains, shortness of breath, an empty stomach, tightness in the throat or chest, digestive problems, sensitivity to noise, heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, appetite changes, tension... these are the physical symptoms of grief and I have experienced them all. I still have tightness in my chest from time to time when I am caught off guard or thinking of something to do with Rick. I still have a sensitivity to noise - extra jumpy and easily startled - though it's much improved. I am definitely still overly tense. I feel it most in my neck and shoulders. I feel so stiff. So tight. Like I am carrying a constant burden. I can't seem to lessen that tension. Thankfully, these are the only physical symptoms left as the months have passed.
I'm hoping that with more and more sleep, these symptoms will dissipate too...
Grief on sleep is a different animal entirely. It's still grief, but it has yet another face. I can feel my energy coming back little by little. I can feel my desire to do things like cook homemade food or do crafting and other creative things building up again. Before, I couldn't imagine giving anymore energy than it took to put in a work day. I let my laundry pile up... cleaning my house was no small feat. I sense a shift... and I credit sleep.
I pray this trend continues... I am ready to breathe a full breath. I am ready to wake up refreshed and have it be the norm. I am ready.