Wednesday, September 3, 2014


What do I do with the stuff?

Where do I go with the things of Rick's I have packed away, put in a closet, tucked in a drawer?

What do I do with all the notes? The beautiful, meaningful, 100+ notes?

Make a Rick box? A scrap book? Should I keep some where I can see them? Hang them on my fridge like finger paintings by a child now grown up and moved away? Do I carry one with me?

Do whatever feels right, everyone would say. BUT NOTHING FEELS RIGHT.

I don't want to walk in my basement one day years from now and find a box labeled "Rick" like he was an old boyfriend or a collection of Christmas ornaments.

I just don't know what to do.

I want to play him like a song in my car, over and over - turning him off when I feel like it and playing him loud when I feel like it.

I want to dream about him like an old friend who comes back after a long trip.

I don't want to put him in a box. In a book. On the fridge. In my wallet.

What do I do with all the stuff? There are things I can't part with... things I want to see again... things that belong with me...

Where does it go? Where can Rick go?


  1. Hello Arielle. I've been reading your blog lately. My husband died from suicide 27 days ago. It has been horrendous pain.

    My husband's things are pretty much right where he left them. There are some exceptions. I cleaned and straightened them. But his shoes are next to his dresser. His clothes are in their drawers and our closet. His wallet is on his dresser, etc. I can't even bring myself to throw away his toothbrush. I have decided that I will do little bits at a time when the time feels right.

    My thought is that it might be too soon for you to be getting rid of things. Maybe it isn't time yet?

    I am sorry, as I am sure that is not helpful. Hugs to you.

  2. If you don't want to put him in a box/book/wallet... don't do it. If it feels wrong, maybe it's because it is wrong.
    If there's one thing I've learned from when my BFF died is that the only place where he can stay and never go away is my heart...

  3. It isn't time yet. You will know when it is. Then as the days, weeks, months and years go by, RIck will surprise you. Something small here, a photo there, a signature on something else in a stack of old bills. I cleaned out the garage the other day and found a box containing odds and ends. In it was my daughter's first haircut clippings. Nine years later she still surprises me. It's going to be a good thing. For now, just let things be.


Help me feel less alone.