Sunday, September 14, 2014

Or Better Yet, Mark as Spam

Well, after 113 posts, I got my first nasty comment on the ol' blog. It's akin to "hate mail" and it did give me a sinking feeling for a few minutes, but I guess I should consider myself lucky, as the author of a daily blog with mass readership, that this is the first time I've gotten such a comment. I'm surprised it didn't happen before now, to be honest.

I'll be honest, the initial gut reaction to envisioning my husband suffering in the afterlife was painful. That said, it lasted only a moment, before I became deeply sad for whoever has enough hate to want to write a comment like this, let alone actually write it. Because the thing is... the last sentence of the comment is addressed to Rick. And let's face it, Rick isn't the one reading it. Or writing this blog. I am. So the person commenting clearly intends to hurt me. To upset me. To affect me. This comment does not affect Rick at all. If someone thinks Rick is a coward, selfish, or burning in hell... there's absolutely no reason whatsoever to take the time to write me a comment to tell me. 

Anyone can think those things. Telling a widow...who is grieving...publicly on a blog no just hateful. 

And this instance is a prime example of why suicide is so different from other forms of death. If Rick died another way, I wouldn't have to deal with hate like this popping up in my inbox. 

Sometimes in life, hate pops up. Or negativity. And you have to hit delete. Or better yet, mark as spam. There's spam everywhere - not just in blog comments or in our inboxes on the internet. It's everywhere. When I walk around in life, especially now in the wake of Rick's death, whatever does not serve me positively, I mark as spam. To eliminate it completely - to delete it - would mean that I didn't recognize or acknowledge that it was toxic in the first place. But when I take all the junk floating out there in life and mark it as spam, I imagine myself taking a little bit of power back. 

And Rick cheers.


  1. So glad to see you keeping perspective when something so hateful shows up on your blog. Your response speaks testaments to your growth over the last couple months. That person's comments speak more about him/her than about you or Rick. Hoping it is the last hurtful comment you read on here.

  2. I agree that this person is hateful, and also incredibly sad. To go out of one's way to say something so cruel to someone already suffering...I can't imagine what kind of twisted, cold heart could think to do such a thing. I will never understand people who seem to enjoy inflicting pain.

    But remember, this person is the exception, crowded out and shouted down by all the good people around you, all the love and light and support surrounding you. <3

  3. The words I’m going to write are not addressed to you, Arielle. They are for the Anonymous who left the nasty comment.

    @ Anonymus - I'm not here to defend Arielle - who has already answered with this post, and therefore she doesn’t have any need to be defended - so I apologize for the intrusion in a debate that doesn’t concern me directly, but freedom of speech to freedom of speech, then just my two cents.

    And, therefore, from the top or the bottom of my freedom of speech, I can say that the only coward I see here is YOU. Rick obviously doesn’t read this blog, then your intent is clearly to hurt Arielle, which seems to me at least inconvenient, since she is going through a difficult time in her life right now.

    Beyond the inappropriateness of a comment like yours, inappropriateness of which you are fully aware, however, since you have thought well to hide your identity behind anonymity, it seems to me that you're very coward. You put together a series of clichés (which are absolutely false) about suicide, you've had the presumption to believe that they were absolute truths from the “top" of your inexperience (since you probably haven’t ever had a friend/relative who committed suicide), and you have thrown them upside down on a woman who probably you don’t even know, and who has the courage to bare her suffering and her daily-journey on this blog. Maybe you haven’t even met Rick, but you claim to know how to paint his psychological framework, calling Rick “coward” and “selfish”, as if you knew him for a lifetime.
    It seems to me that you speak just because you have a mouth, but you talk about things you know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

    You know what I think? I think you're frustrated and dissatisfied with your life, basking in envy of those feelings that you haven’t ever lived, and rot in your own hatred. You have so much frustration inside that you need to vent it on someone else by writing anonymous comments that ooze of dissatisfaction and resentment. I think you are one of those people who rages against other people, swelling his mouth of big words to give a tone and look better than he actually is. You get on a pedestal because you think that you can look down on others and hope that, in this way, nobody can look at your face and see the nullity that you are. You talk like a psychologist failure, trying to pour on the others all the scum that you carry inside. But it’s obvious: blacken the others is a sport. It makes feel better the frustrated and the dissatisfied. I could say that it is the behavior of a bastard… but, no, you don’t seem even a bastard. To be bastards takes personality, character, class. You seem just a mediocre jerk to me.

    Are you thinking that I’ve presumptuously permitted, while not knowing you, to get yourself a psychological picture only by reading your single comment? Are you thinking that I’m extremely superficial? It's true. But, please, note that it is exactly the same thing you did with Arielle, talking about Rick’s suicide. Tell me how you feel right now.

  4. [Arielle, I apologize for my previous comment. I know it may be off-topic, so if it bothers you, delete it as well, no problem. The fact is that when I read comments like the one written by the Anonymous, I get very angry. I think the only people who deserve to burn in hell – if you believe it exists – are the ones who enjoy inflicting pain to the others.]

  5. If you have ever had the displeasure of reading comments on news articles on sites like Yahoo, you would know that there are quite a few of these kinds of useless a-holes out there. Best just to ignore them as they serve no purpose in your life or their life for that matter.

    I would bet a decent sum of money that they are acting out at you because they are still angry over the loss of someone to suicide and could learn a lot from you in the dignified and courageous way you are dealing with it, grieving and healing.

    Stay strong a day a time.

  6. Suicide and suicidal thinking is still so stigmatized and so misunderstood. The comment was hateful and completely inappropriate, but I think it also points to the larger issue of

  7. Suicide awareness and prevention among the general public. It's not that suicidal individuals won't think of the loved ones they will be leaving behind, it's that they CANT. In that moment their resources for coping with unimaginable pain are overpowered by that pain and suicide becomes their only option (that they can see). I think that part of the problem is that suicidal individuals often learn to mask how bad they feel inside because there is such stigma against suicide and feeling suicidal.
    I like you're attitude, Arielle, and I'm glad you can take this in stride. Keep on being YOU, even if you are unsure who the new you is at times.

  8. Arielle,

    I am so sorry that someone would try to hurt you this way. It is so awful, and I will never understand why anyone would do that. I guess there are truly just some hateful people out there.

    Lately, I've been thinking about how people believe suicide is selfish. I used to believe that myself, until my own husband took his life 40 days ago. Last week, someone told me that my husband was selfish. She wasn't trying to hurt me, as I think she is just self-centered and inconsiderate (but not hateful). But it hurt me immensely.

    The fact is this woman didn't know my husband, just as anonymous clearly didn't know Rick. My husband, the man I wanted to grow old with, was a loving and caring man, whose only major fault was that he never made himself a priority in his own life. He was too stubborn, proud, and ashamed to get help for his undiagnosed mental illness. At the end, I think he truly believed that we would be better off without him. His mental illness was the cause of these problems, not selfishness. Ultimately, it led him to utter hopelessness and despair. He could not see any way out. Occasionally, I get upset and angry at him for this, but those feelings don't last long because I remember how depressed and hopeless he felt. I can never accept that he was selfish. He was suffering, and didn't think he could ever be helped. My heart will always break for him.

    Try as best you can not to let the haters get to you. They don't know you, your husband, or your relationship. They clearly don't understand anything about depression.

    Hugs to you.

    1. Angelique, thank you. I am so sad for your own loss and appreciate you standing in solidarity with me on this. As you said about your husband, I truly believe that Rick felt I would be better off without him. He felt he was doing me a favor. Such difficult things we must deal with, you and me. We will prevail. Thank you for reading. I'll be thinking of you...

  9. That is an utterly disgusting, vile, and ignorant comment! People who leave comments like that aren't even thinking of you they just feel they are being clever in some way. They are not even worthy of acknowledging. Take care of you and if possible forget one nasty person in a whole group of people who wish you nothing but good things. Oceans of love XOX


Help me feel less alone.