Tonight, I deleted the golf that has been resting in my DVR. The date on the PGA golf tour: May 18th. The day Rick killed himself. He recorded golf the night before. With the intent to watch it. And yet, he recorded golf to watch.
It's been resting in my DVR as though asleep for 7 months. I watched it through as I blogged during that first horrible month after his death.
7 months ago today I resolved to watch it and then delete it. I did watch it. But then I kept it. Deleting it felt sad and permanent and weird. But now, it feels like a long time ago that I watched it...and was afraid to delete it.
It's been resting there. At the bottom of the long list of TV shows I watch. I saw it from time to time resting there. "Oh, that's Rick's golf," I'd think to myself. It was sad initially. And then it became nothing. A fixture on my TV. Part of the background. I was no longer fazed. I saw it tonight in the line-up...all the way at the bottom. MAY 18th. MAY 18th. Recorded on May 18th. The day Rick died. The last thing he wanted to watch. The last thing he never saw.
I care... but I don't care.
I don't need the golf there in my DVR.
I don't need the 2014 PGA Golf Tour.
I don't need a TV show for my husband who is no longer my husband.
And so, in the interest of Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You... I deleted it.
And I'm okay. Totally 100% okay.