I know that by now, a deeper level of acceptance has set in. I have, in many ways, grown accustomed to my new life. I feel more at ease with it than I expected to be, but in all honesty, most of the time I choose to just power through...to work, hang with the cats, watch TV, run errands, and see friends without actually reminding myself of the reason why this is my new life.
When I recall that the suicide of my husband is the reason for this new life, I am startled. My mind knows all the facts. I have actually, for the most part, adjusted to this widowed life. But my heart hasn't quite caught up to it all.
I can do this. I can live this life. Sometimes I am okay with it and sometimes I'm not. But either way, I can do it. Acceptance has found its way to all the parts of my mind. The blurriness is gone.
I have begun waking up without sadness. It now feels normal to wake up in bed alone. I have begun listening to different music. It now feels normal to hear things I was afraid to hear before. I still have a list of things I can't listen to yet, but the list of what I CAN hear is growing.
There's a certain sadness in this. There is a dull ache that comes with knowing that waking up in bed alone is now normal. I still talk to Rick. Sometimes I whisper. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I tell him funny things. Sometimes I cry to him. Sometimes the loneliness is almost unbearable. And it's the kind of loneliness that nothing seems to fix.
I still feel very out of place in the world around me. I have grown accustomed to my life at home, to new routines, to me. But I don't feel that way with the rest of it. I still don't feel on top of my game. I still feel out of sorts at times. I still get caught off guard with little things.
I have a lot of fear about what's to come. I actually have more fear than I expected. My mind knows Rick is gone, but my heart says, "Are you sure?"