It is not the current measure of sadness that causes such great pain in my day to day life. It is not the reiteration of emptiness or loneliness. It is not the realization of horror.
Remembering what once was... remembering the good, the great, the love, the sweetness, the special memories, the sense of home, and the humor - those are the things that deeply wound. Those are the catalysts of pain.
The memory of joy is the most painful. It's a thought bubble, a daydream, a pleasant memory that brings a smile to the face - and then POOF! It's gone. And I am left with utter despair. A void that is dark, cold, and shocking. It almost echoes with eerie hollowness. It almost vibrates with bone crushing pain.
The beautiful memories of joy, smiles, and laughter... the cozy and comforting hum of every day life as I knew it... the beckoning call of the little things I had grown used to... They are what keep me from listening to certain songs, looking at certain photos, going certain places. The memory of joy is so drawing, so appealing... and yet, I know the blow of pain will hurt so much I just can't go there.
I feel these feelings and think to myself: Thank God I have the life I have, and not some other life. Thank God I have the outlook I have, and not some other outlook. Thank God I know the people I know, and not some other people. It makes so much difference. I'm not sure how I'd ever get through.
I came home from work to a beautiful and loving card and gift from my friend/co-worker Cheyenne. I had a great early birthday dinner with my parents, complete with laughter and tears. I came back home to affectionate cats. My phone bleeps with text messages every day. My weeks are full of hugs. My blog is read. There is always balm for my sore heart.
I'm so, so, so tired. No amount of sleep can give me rest. No amount of rest can soothe my soul. But day after day, no matter how exhausted I become, there is always someone to help me keep moving with a smile.