Saturday, March 14, 2015

My Sails

6 months ago, when I had already been grieving for several months, I posted this:

Today I spent four hours in the car, driving two of my co-workers to a work event. Our conversation inevitably turned to personal lives and I found myself discussing my fears surrounding this new phase of life.

It's always nice to hear people say good things about you, but when you are living with pain and fear in your heart daily, it's nicer still. I guess according to them, I am grieving with grace, if that is such a thing - an interesting concept when I feel such a mess sometimes.

I was trying to figure out why our car conversation was so validating and comforting to me. And I realized it's because my co-worker friends found another way to say, "It's going to be okay." In their own words, in their own ways, they were saying that it already is. That I'm already doing what needs to be done. That I'm already making my way. That they see it and they respect it.

This is the worst storm I've weathered...but I'm still here. I'm still standing. I've adjusted my sails. And I'm still going. I will not stop. I will not lie waiting in the water, letting life pass me by. I will adjust. I will move. I will go forth. I will do whatever it is I want to do.

And one day I'll look back on this car conversation with a smile, because my sails will have taken me so far from this moment. 

Well, today was that day when I happened upon that old was that day when I looked back on that car conversation with a was that day when I realized my sails have taken me so far from that moment. In that moment, I was doing fine. I was actually doing very well. But now, looking back, I can see how far I've come even from that day. I love life. But then again, I pretty much love everything. :-)

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