As I was leaving work today, I realized that I didn't really want to go home. And when I realized that, I realized that I never really look forward to going home.
Whether I'm grabbing a salad for dinner or making homemade meatballs in my kitchen at 6:00 pm, it's all just food, which is just another way for me to kill that time between leaving work and going to sleep at night so that I can run back into work again. Same with watching TV or cleaning or doing laundry or reading... It's all just another way for me to kill that chunk of time when I'm at home, lonely and thinking, drinking wine and making lists of things to look forward to, filling my schedule with things I enjoy or that keep me busy.
Because... It's during that chunk of time at home that self-pity likes to slip in...
The questions begin to form in my mind...
Can't anything ever be easy? Don't I deserve to be happy? Haven't I been through enough? Can't something just work out for me? Do I get to ever have the things I want? Will I ever be enough?
I go through these questions, sometimes with tears in my eyes, which angers me even more, and the questions seem so much like a child's tantrum - one big paragraph of "It's not fair!" - that I am immediately frustrated with myself. I shoo away the self-pity, take a few deep breaths, and remind myself of all the beautiful things in my life, the gifts I've been given, and the real happiness I feel regularly these days.
I'm so ashamed of the self-pity, but maybe that's where changing it begins - to speak it and hear it and wave it away with a firm NO. I'll be okay, because I always am.