Saturday, January 3, 2015

The Momentum of Forgetting

Today I'm blogging about the fact that I didn't blog. Last night, I didn't blog. Last night, I forgot to blog. It wasn't due to circumstances, such as being so busy or involved in something that there was no time or energy. It wasn't due to a conscious decision, such as a resolve to skip a night of writing. I actually just forgot.

So I'm writing about that.

Truth is, I woke up in the middle of the night - around 2:00 am - with a warm cat on either side of me, pinning me under the covers like a sardine...and my eyes flew wide open. I forgot something, I thought. And I realized it. I forgot to blog.

For me, there's always something to it isn't as though the well of things to write about had run dry. I guess the "need" just wasn't there.

It's not that I expect to blog every day for the rest of my life... but it has held such purpose and meaning that it was odd to wake up in the dark in my bed and realize that I had just forgotten.

I've been thinking about fear. I got that book Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You on December 6th, 2014...but I realized that I started living that book before I bought it. My friend Jennifer encouraging me to buy the book was kind of like the inevitable next step in my journey. It coincided with what I was already beginning to do. In November, I did a lot of scary things. A lot of them. I didn't post all of them on the blog, but certainly a few of them I did post were: taking off my wedding rings when I knew it was time, driving places I used to be anxious to go, being Manager on Duty for the first time since that first fateful weekend Rick died, taking a trip and flying alone for the first time...

That was all in November. Before the book. See, the shift was already happening. Stuff was already at work. The book presented itself as if to say, "Yes. You're on to something. Keep going. Here."

And now all of a sudden, somehow it's January. 2015. January. 2015. January. 2015. This seemed so far away back in May. It seemed like an impossibly far off month...year... and I think it's because in a lot of ways, I was waiting for things to happen. I was just waiting for the months to pass, the seasons to change, the days to begin and end. I was just waiting for that normal progression, that crawl to 2015. And somewhere along the way, I stopped just waiting. I moved. I dreamed. I lived. And with less and less fear in my life, there's just more momentum. So that's why all of a sudden, somehow it's January. 2015.

And even when you're not really DOING anything, but this strange and cool momentum has taken hold, it's actually pretty easy to forget to blog.

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