You know, there's something I never write about here.
Probably because it falls under the category of TMI (too much information) and most people aren't interested (except for maybe other people who've lost a spouse in some way, whether by death or divorce or whatever). Probably because my family reads this blog. Probably because it can be a little too personal of a subject.
But sometimes I get REALLY frustrated just never mentioning it. Because then it just remains a thing that no one ever talks about on widow blogs and grief sites. Even though it's kind of a big deal sometimes. So in the spirit of Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You, I'm going to talk about it.
I'm talking about sex. Physical touch in general, really. I know that people who go through a loss or a transition of some kind feel this way. I know it's not just me. I'm only 30 years old, for God's sake. I want to be touched. I miss kissing. I miss a man's embrace. I miss all of the other stuff too.
I'm never going to be the kind of woman who goes out and has one night stands (not that there's anything wrong with that). It's just not me. So I'm just physically very lonely until the right opportunity presents itself.
When I see other couples together, I am jealous that they get to sleep together in the same bed at night. When I see the Valentine's Day stuff out in the stores, I feel sorry for myself. When I watch romantic scenes in movies, I kind of want to rewind them and replay them over again.
I don't need suggestions - I know what sex toys are, I know how to write down my phone number for someone who asks for it, I know how to say thank you to a compliment from the opposite sex, I know how to play the game. It doesn't change the fact that I'm lonely.
Why does this make me different from anyone out there who is single and lonely? I don't know... maybe it doesn't. Except that I'm talking about it. Except that it's probably more taboo in this weird society for a widow who lost her husband to suicide more than 8 months ago to talk about how much she misses physical touch and intimacy.
And maybe one more thing - as a young woman, I endured yet another loss when I lost my spouse and my former existence at age 29. I also experienced the sudden loss of my sex life. One second, young and energetic, with needs fulfilled... the next second, nothing.
It's kind of tragic really, because I'm a very sensual person. Why does no one ever say these things? What's the big deal? Where's the shame? I don't see it. I've written about some ridiculously personal things here on this blog... but never touched this subject. I was kind of afraid when I started the post, but I'm not anymore. Because I know you hear me. I know you get it. I know a bunch of you are nodding along, because you've felt this too.
This is the first blog post that's made me cry in a long, long time.