Saturday, January 31, 2015

Why, Revisited

Well, with a second house showing under my belt as of today, I'm pleased to announce that I have another showing scheduled for tomorrow and yet another one for Monday!

At this rate, I'd better start looking at apartments...

I do have a few in mind. My mom offered to check some out with me so I don't have to go alone.

I keep trying to picture myself in a different home... it's difficult to do that just by looking at photos on the internet. Ideally, I'd live somewhere really close to my job so I wouldn't have much of a commute and no worries in inclement weather. Another bonus to living really near my job is that my parents live a block from it. Always good to have family around in a pinch, and my parents have certainly proved they are always there for me during this past year.

Actually, I keep trying to picture myself in all kinds of scenarios... possible futures... different outcomes. If only there was a crystal ball or a way to flip to the end of the book.

But I guess that wouldn't be much fun.

8 months ago, I was writing about crying in restaurants and dealing with beeping smoke detectors in the middle of the night all alone. I was asking with tears and anger, "Who's going to kill spiders for me?" I was leaning my head against the wall of a restroom during a bathroom break out to dinner with my parents, asking WHY. Why this is my life.

Interestingly enough, last night I had to deal with a beeping smoke detector again. I remembered how distraught I was the last time. How something so simple threw me for a loop back in the first weeks after Rick died. Everything was WHY. Why me? Why this? Why now? WHY? Why is this my life?

Well, tonight - 8 months later - I still don't have the answer, but I have to say... I'm glad this is my life.  I'm going to enjoy the ride.

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Help me feel less alone.