Aching

Well, it's only 8:30pm, but I'm going to bed, because it's the only thing I can think of to do that won't have me running laps in my own head. I'm just having one of those nights where I'm so incredibly lonely I could cry.

Why does loneliness have to hit you like a ton of bricks? Why does it go from a dull ache all over to a horrible blinding pain in one second flat?

I'm a happy person. A fun person. A fun-loving person. A positive person. I enjoy getting up every day and living life. But tonight I'm just seething with insatiable loneliness.

I have to pet a cat if I want to touch something alive. I have to wrap a blanket around myself in bed like I'm giving myself a hug just to feel like I exist, like I'm really flesh and blood, like my beating heart is not just part of this inanimate house. I feel like everything I have to give, like everything I have to offer, is just wasting away. And I hate it. And I hate the self-pitying tone of this post even more.

Still, it's so hard - even for Miss Positivity - to have a smile inside her heart when she's sitting alone on a cold, icy night remembering all the times when she felt loved. And how far away all those times seem.

I look at the empty spaces in my house. I look at myself in the mirror. I smile so I can see what someone else might see when they look at me. I want to feel like I matter, but tonight all I feel is loneliness.