Questions

This morning, I opened the next envelope in my package from the anonymous widower.

It definitely brought a smile to my face, because Arielle + coffee = happiness. In fact, in a nutshell:

My mom said to me today, "Don't you want to know what's in all the envelopes? Why don't you just open all of them?" But I told her I was being respectful and following the rules. Besides, it gives me something to look forward to each day.

Speaking of being respectful, I have been thinking today about the fact that we teach people how to treat us. What we allow is what will continue. I have felt this way for a long time, but recently I fear I may have gotten caught up in other emotions and forgotten it. I can wish for as many things as I want, but if I allow some things to continue as they are, perhaps I am setting a poor standard without realizing it. Perhaps I am undermining my own self-worth.

6 months ago, back in August, I wrote:

I didn't see myself here. Not living this life. Not feeling this unsettling shift of all that I know. I didn't imagine I could feel this kind of sadness. I didn't foresee such a strange and uprooting transition in my future. I didn't ask for it. I didn't plan for it. I didn't want it. 

But now I wake in the morning, open my eyes, and say, "This is not the life I chose, but here is what I choose to do with it. Today I want to make 5 people smile. Today I want to laugh. If others don't make me laugh, I will do my best to make myself laugh. Today I want to do good. I want to make someone feel special. I want to look people in the eyes so they know my intentions are ever-genuine and my gratitude is always real. Today I want to create the life I desire."

I still feel that way... I still start my day with those intentions or similar ones. But lately I ask myself, "Am I really creating the life I desire? Or am I just settling for small slices of fun and peace instead of the bigger picture?"

Questions are neither good nor bad... they're just questions. I need a good night's sleep... the kind you have when you're tired and content, warm and loved. But instead, I make my way upstairs at night alone, and I lie in my cold bed and stare at the ceiling...dreaming of the life I desire.