Tuesday, February 10, 2015

When In Doubt, Be Grateful

Who knew that at the almost 9 month mark I'd be slipping into loneliness all over again? I was doing so well. I have about a million friends, I'm social and busy and enjoy myself in general, but I'm really missing the tenderness and substance I used to have in life. I'd like to think I never took it for granted. I always tried to show my appreciation and love, day in and day out. But maybe even for the most grateful of us, the old saying, "you never truly know what you have until it's gone" still rings true.

In a drawer in my house, I have hundreds - yes, hundreds - of notes like this one. This is not a note that my husband wrote to me when we were dating. It's not a note he wrote to me in our first year of marriage. It's a note he wrote to me after several years of marriage. He wasn't still in awe, blinded by my good qualities or deep in the honeymoon phase. He was just a genuine guy who always loved me, even on a random Tuesday when nothing special happened.

Excuse my language, but how the fuck is anyone ever going to love me like this again? Is it possible? Am I doomed to remember this feeling of being loved and appreciated but never see it at work in my life again? Can I really be as special to anyone else as I was to Rick?

Maybe I have a lot to learn. Who knows. I'm young and have a thousand opportunities for life to surprise me. Patience is not my strong suit. 

I was super cranky at work today. Normally, I have a smile for anyone and everyone. That's not to say that I didn't smile today...but I felt like nothing was going right. I wasn't my usual positive self. I felt full of heavy sighs. Frustration. A little at odds with both the world and myself. 

But I'm letting it go. The day is over. A new day starts tomorrow. And a bunch of little things darkening my day aren't going to steal my zest for life or my eternally positive attitude. If there's one thing I've learned from having a positive attitude, it's that people really notice and miss it if it's gone. It's sort of become imbedded in my character, part of my genetic makeup at this point. 

Rick once wrote me this:

I am grateful too. Grateful for everything I had. Everything I have. And everything I will have. There is no other way to be.

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Help me feel less alone.